Nothing like combining the nicknames to accurately portray the whole entity. Lethal . . . was a street name because I have a deadly attitude & was extremely rough around the edges when I was younger. I’m still not all that smooth or shiny. It also refers to my, um, skillz. LOL. Jones… is part of the family which adopted me a decade ago, there are certain traits we all share, that under Jones code shall remain private, even in an anonomous blog. Like a coat of armor, I put her back on.

So many people know so many facets of me, it’s time to let all the perceptions roll into one. My party will be a coming out party. I will also make a serious statement to someone I care deeply for . . . and hopefully, one day, he’ll come back to me with an answer or decision. Rounding the bend again last night, I’m positive we melted a celluar satelite… He actually yelled at me - that was a first. But I deserved it because afterall, I was acting like a girl. Although I’m female, I’m more tomboy & logic than lipstick & heels. The only description for my behavior last night was something like emotional chaos. I can’t know you want us to be together but you’re not willing to be together. I know, understand & respect the reasons but I don’t think they’re good enough. So either I say nothing at all or I say everything. 5 hours & 2 dead phones later I gave him my password to read all that was hidden. Then continuing in girly fashion, I hung up, took a shot of Southern Comfort & cried. I swore off of him like a drug & 2 seconds later I couldn’t imagine his absence from my life. Maybe we’re a destructive mess, nah, I don’t think we’re that bad. We just need to get on the same freakin page. Wait til June with nothing in the meantime? NO. Walk away completely? NO. Take it back to the happy conversations, the day we both did the work, when the cards were clearly on the table and the future was hopeful . . . PLEASE? May I have another?

C$ is right…. do it or don’t. JJ is right…. window shop or make a purchase. Quita is right…. ride the horse or bury the thing. As for what I think? I love him, therefore I stopped thinking, I just keep doing. This brick wall will be assaulted until it breaks & the bricks will fall one way or the other. I know what I want . . . all we hoped for. . . what I get could be a very different result. My favorite poem is “A Penny For Your Thoughts” by a New Jersey cat named Gemineye.

I would give every penny to know what his heart thinks… not what his mind blocks.

The best thing about blogging is anonymity. So I can say things here that I might not ever say anywhere else or even to anyone else…… I broke a cardinal groupie rule. I fell in love with a band member - and of all things - a singer. He’s not the usual singer type (I know, what a cliche statement). He’s very shy and we were friends for years before we ever tried to have a relationship. I’ve never seen him “hook up” with any girl, even me. We’ve never made it past a few kisses - even the night I slept in his house. The Groupie Nation confirms they haven’t either. The more I got to know him, the more I realized this was primarily because he’s had very few relationships in his life and the handful he experienced were immature. So I was something completely different for him, as he was for me. I always kept my “Golden Rule” —- Road Guys are for parties and nothing else, no romance, no sex, and never love. —-Their lifestyle is cumbersome where romantic relationships are concerned, work will always get in the way (the distance and length of absences), their creative nature can be bewildering, but none the less….. I Love Him. What’s truly scary is that it seems he loves me too. Yet, we’re not a couple, I put the kibosh on that . . . . for the above stated reasons. We’ve agreed to return to friendship, but anyone who’s ever seen the movie When Harry Met Sally knows that men & women can rarely be platonic friends. It usually only works when one or both in the friendship are gay. So as he & I struggle to be friends, we try to stick to the safe topics…. How’s work, what’s the weather like, the political campaign/debates of our favorite candidate, etc…. Yeah politics are safer for us to discuss than how we feel about each other. Inevitably, the relationship creeps into some conversations - which was the case today. He confessed to discussing me with one of his closest friends, I wish he’d have kept it to himself because this reveals to me that the ‘romantic door’ is still cracked open a bit. Like ol honest Abe, I can not tell a lie (FYI Lincoln lied in the Emancipation Proclamation but that’s another blog)…. as I was saying, the door never really shut for me but I acted as if it did. Mostly to save my own heart & sanity. When I realized he was doing the same thing, the buried emotions quickly surfaced & in true groupie fashion, I did a shot of Jack Daniels (my favorite whiskey) to numb the pain. I know in reality that I have few options (if you can think of more, I’m open to suggestions):
1. Cut him completely out of my life. Which means avoiding him, his band & any function he may be a part of - not very realistic.
2. Call both of us on our bullshit & try again - until we burn each other down to ashes - too painful.
3. Learn how to be “just friends” but that takes two and I’m not sure we’re both willing to do that……
Alas, I guess I have no options but to hang in limbo? The real dilemma is he will be at my birthday celebration in 6 days. There will be plenty of other people for me to busy myself with, but we were always magnetic and I fear I can not avoid the natural pull. Shall I wallow in Drugs & Rock N Roll to avoid the situation, when actually that will amplify it. Shall I avoid him? Shall I ask him to stay home, after all, he’s not playing the show & it’s an hour away from his home so wouldn’t that make things easier? No, it wouldn’t because I want him there - like a moth to a flame - I await getting burned by my own fire.

 PS - HE IS NOT THE SINGER FOR THE BAND WHICH I AM TATTOOED WITH.

Yesterday I opened a Macy’s charge & promptly maxed it out - good thing I went back to work huh? Even better my cousin’s paying the bill as my birthday present! Now that’s great family =) What did I buy you wonder, hmmmmm….. a new coat, the cutest Guess purse, Ed Hardy sweatpants, a cute tank to match and 2 pairs of KILLER shoes ~ one Calvin Klein & the other Carlos Santana. The Santana’s have 4 inch heels, which is something I’ve never attempted before. I’m a jeans & sneakers kinda gal but I clean up beautifully when motivated to do so….. so me in these sky high heels is extremely unusual. They’re so beautiful though!  I love them =)

Anyhow, I had fun acting like a girly girl but I have no intention on letting go of my tomboy self either. Maybe I can figure out how to blend them together. Maybe this is all because I’m reaching a milestone birthday next week, I feel like I should begin to act a certain way but in reality I will always just act like me. It’s the easiest way to live - being yourself I mean.

I survived the hellhole & found out that one person I adored, quit and one person I that makes me cringe, quit - I guess that’s breaking even??

I also found out one of my favorite groupie chics is flying out for my birthday celebration next week - haven’t seen her in WAY tooo long - PARTY ON!!

In a previous blog I admitted to my groupielike status, which I have decided to change.

Last friday I got a tattoo - #7 as a matter of fact,  it’s the logo of my “favorite” band. They’re not musically perfect or critically acclaimed but I love them dearly… for their lyrics & music, for their personalities, for their wild on the road antics, for giving me the “keys” and VIP/All Access passes to backstages around the world. I will always be thankful for them for all of the experiences I’ve had, the diverse people I’ve encountered & befriended, and the knowledge I’ve gained. So they deserve to be on my skin the same way they are etched in my heart & soul.

In about 10 days I will celebrate my 30th birthday (which I’m looking forward to leaving the confusion of my 20’s) and I will have the opportunity to show off my new tattoo - to the people who created & insipired it. It’s their logo & in groupie fashion I will raise my skirt up my thigh to show the band exactly how their are held in my heart and permanently etched/inked into my skin. It’s the ultimate tribute and show of gratitude. In 10 days, I’ll be attending my last “on the road” show - 6 hours from my home - basically around the corner when compared to my previous travels with this band. They always make me feel as if I am world away…. which after 7 days of returning to work I will need!!! The amazing thing about this trip is I am celebrating 3 decades of surviving the hard knock life and I am able to party at 3 events in the same venue - one tour (4 bands) plays at 5pm in the small room, a second tour (5 bands) plays at 7pm in the larger room and at 9 pm the smaller room becomes a DJ hosted Mardi Gras bash =) Music, Music, Music!!! The best medicine in the world!

I will miss my out of town escapes/excursions but I’m giving them up for something more important - school & saving to move out of the ghosttown I currently live in - those two things are SO important to me that I can sacrifice shows. Besides, when I get to the city I want to live in, I will be able to see shows every single night. Small sacrifice right?

In case you’re wondering exactly which band I’m talking about - which I am so in love with . . . here ya go! If you don’t know which band this belongs to - ask me & I’ll tell - in the meantime - - - - Mis Hermanos ~ Te Amo Siempre!!!!

PS - This pic was taken at the tattoo shop - about 10 minutes old (notice the red swelling LOL)

After 2 months of disability due to surgery, I am finally returning to work tomorrow. . . . UGH! I’m happy to become productive again & to return to full pay instead of scrounging on 50% BUT at the same time, I know the lion’s den I am about to enter. The gossips will be all over me & I’m too private to tell them about my health status, past, present or future. By law, I don’t have to BUT if I don’t feed the devils something then they’re gonna make up their own shit - which I’ll just have to let them do. Then there’s the work load, last time I heard, they were “thinking” about getting a temp but I don’t know if they ever did. SO there could be 2 months of work waiting for me OR there could be 2 months of mistakes to correct. Geez, what a sunny thought, but I am a realist so I won’t lie to myself about the possible pile of shit I’m going to walk into. Now, I have a plan….. when they ask about my health I’ll respond: “Thanks for your concern but that’s a private matter.” I feel that’s politically correct as well as nice and direct enough to deflect futher inquest. Or at least I hope. If they attempt to re-befriend me, I’m going to seal up - simply because in the 2 months I’ve been out sick, I haven’t gotten a single call, text or card to say ‘Hey we miss you & wish you well’ - a friend would do something like that & they didn’t. They’ve proven they haven’t been a friend which makes them solely coworkers and therefore not entitled to any aspects of my private life - don’t even ask me what I’m doing for the weekend or what I think about the weather - just fuck off and leave me to my work. Truth be told, the minute I return home tomorrow, I’ll be applying for a new job. I wasn’t happy before I left for surgery & I don’t imagine the culture has changed so . . . . ex to the next baby! I can only repeat to myself that this company is not my future, just a means to a present end - paying the bills I’ve been skimping on while trying to survive & fill my prescriptions and doctor co-pays. It’s been rough, but somehow I always make it. My mom used to say: Duct tape, dirt & bubble gum holds it all together . . . . . . hopefully that combination can glue my sharp & spiteful tounge to the roof of my mouth, keep me grounded in the knowledge that I’m getting out of this company and give me the lift that I need to daydream for 8 hours to pretend that I’m not really in the lion’s jaws. It’s a shame someone could hate their work SO much…. nah, it’s not the work, it’s the two faced bitches.